Monday, June 05, 2006

Show some Humility

There is 1 chance in 140 trillion (140,000,000,000,000) that Earth should exist.
There is 1 chance in 795 billion (795,000,000,000) that life should have evolved on Earth.
There is 1 chance in 89 billion (89,000,000,000) that life should have evolved into mankind.
There is 1 chance in 12 billion (12,000,000,000) that mankind should have created the alphabet and thus civilization.
There is 1 chance in 6 billion (6,000,000,000) that your parents should have ever met and gotten together.
There is 1 chance in 90 million (90,000,000) that you should have been the lucky sperm that fertilized your mother's egg.

Just something to think about.

Sorry, Penguin.

I got this excerpt from a book called This Book Will Change Your Life: 365 Daily Instructions for Hysterical Living. You can find it here on Amazon if you are interested.

Monday, May 29, 2006

The Prescription for Contentment

So, my medication hasn't been working all that well lately. I've been moody and really depressed. Tonight I thought I'd try something extra strength: Eating Dove milk chocolate until I'm sick and listening to James Blunt's Your Beautiful until my ears bleed. How is this my life?

My plan worked. I am too sick from chocolate to be depressed and I never want to hear James Blunt ever again. You would think with a last name like Blunt he wouldn't go the obvious route and use drug references in his music whiny bitch fest set to a melody . I wonder if he got laid by that girl he wrote the song for. Just something to think about.

Saturday, May 27, 2006

"Lost" in the Moment

I know. I know. I'm a terrible blogger. I go on posting sprees for a few days at a time and then disappear for a week or two without saying anything. I know that some of you want to have my blogger license revoked but guess what? I don't have one! Ha! Bloggin' without a license!
So I know I'm a few days late but Im going to talk about the Lost season finale. You want to know what I thought of it? One word:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
What the hell kind of half-baked, semi-retarded cop-out piece of shit finale was that? Magnetism? Fucking magnetism? You have got to be kidding me. That's what brought the plane down? You mean to tell me I've wasted the past two year of my life watching your show and that's the "big secret" that I've been waiting for? I hate you so much.
Questions I still don't know the answer to:
Where did the polar bears come from?
Why is Kate slutting around the island all the time? I think the only person she hasn't slept with yet is Hurley....and the black guy.
Why do Jack and Sawyer always have the same amount of facial hair every week?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Emo/Scenester mecca

That's it. I've done it. I deleted my Myspace account. Myspace may have been a sweet place to waste your time a year and a half ago when it was filled with nerds and it was your best kept secret; however, the face of myspace has drastically changed since that time and we all just need to accept it. The Myspace of today has become one big, screaming, Lollapalooza orgy comprised of desperate scenesters and emo boys and girls. I don't know why I didn't do it sooner.
It's like the fucking ghetto of the internet.

Myspace is offically dead to me.

The Corniest Frog Joke Ever

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."
Pattie looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Pattie explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed.
Very confused, Pattie explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,
"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."
She holds up the tiny pink elephant.
"I mean, what in the world is this?"

(wait for it)

The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Pattie Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Thursday, May 18, 2006

The "blessed" ones

Pretty people can do ugly things. It's one of those laws of nature that I have understood for years. If I ever started to forget that rule, even for a second, there always seemed to be some good-looking asshole ready to remind me.
But it's okay.
I'm not worried because I know that ten years from now, their awfulness will have caught up with them and they will be disgruntled wenches, pining for their glory days. They can have high school and the crap that goes along with it. I will be holding out for something better.
Karma is a bitch and so are they.

Saturday, May 13, 2006


*Lee* was talking to me just now about how he was so excited to finally get a pimped out metal stubbed belt and he said, "I can see myself spanking some girl with this." So he swung it and accidentally hit himself in the balls. Funny. You had to have been there.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Zen and the Art of the Teen Blog

I'm not a stupid person.
I even like to think of myself as intelligent from time to time.
But I think that the one thing that has helped me most through out my life is common sense.
COMMON SENSE. Just the ability to look at the situation and say, "I better keep my mouth shut because what I say might comeback and bite me in the ass when I begin my campaign for president."
I'm beginning to doubt that some teen bloggers have this capability.

You know what? I'm not even going to call them bloggers..that would be and insult to everyone who keeps a real blog...not just a blowhorn about how then got "So wasted" last weekend and ran over their neighbor's prized fish shaped mail box.
It's called the internet, people.
Hundreds of millions (maybe even a billion) people have access to it.
It's not just some little thing that you and your friends found afterschool, waiting for TRL to come on.
Anyone can find anything they want....even you parents.
Remember that the next time you go on a blogging bitch session about how you cut yourself, do X and get drunk because your parents wouldn't drive you to the mall to buy Death Cab For Cutie (lamest band name ever) tickets because you made them wait for two hours so that you could get your eyeliner just right and have your hair do that flippy that guy in that band can do.

I know most of my regular readers are asking themselves, "What guy? What band? Did I miss something?"
No you didn't miss anything. Just another pointless rant by me.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Rock is Dead..Long Live Paper and Scissors

Stuff that is affecting my world:
♣ I'm starting to regret being so witty and intelligent (haha) in my previous posts. Don't expect too much out of me people! It takes all of brain cells to be this beautiful and, then on top of that, witty. I'm trying to save as many as possible (brain cells) to kill in college with binge drinking, trying injectable drugs with dirty needles and lots of unprotected sex with dirty frat boys who will have forgotten my name by the next morning...oh college....the fun that awaits.
♣ When I worry about the fact that I might not get into college I just think to myself, if the whores on Girls Gone Wild can do it, so can I.
♣ I've been thinking about deleting my Myspace profile. I'm justing getting so sick of the 12 year old hooker wannabes and the crappy bands that keep requesting to be my friend (what part of "You suck" don't those assholes understand?). Oh, and the bulletins. We can't forget about the motherfucking bulletins. Yes, you're right. I hate my mother just because I won't repost your lame ass thing. I want a madman to break into my house and kill me in the middle of the night just like Cindy Lou. Yes, I am a "fake friend, so please delete me so I don't have to be subjected to your dumbass, misspelled, half-retarded bulletins for another goddamn minute. Please! Do it now! Or better yet, I'll do it for you, you prick.
And don't even get me started on the top 8. How dare Levi try to put a band before me!
And that's just it.
You get so caught up in it.
Do you know that the average myspacer spends about two hours on myspace a day. Do you know how much time that is? 1460 hours in 2 years! Holy shit. Just imagine what you could be doing with that time:
1. Making a time machine, so that you can go back five years and kill Tom so myspace wouldn't exist.
2. Make a house out a bottle caps....a full sized house.
3. Learn to juggle running chainsaws (try to master it with them off first)
3. Play dryland Marco Polo. Always fun.
4. Watch TV and study the commercials. Try to pick up on subliminal messages.
6. Blog ; )
7. Plot on how to take over the world...because you know Tom is plotting as we type.
What if he actually shut Myspace down? I think there would be riots. Emo and Scene kids from all across suburbia would hurl thier computers threw the windows of area Starbuck's because there would be not place for them to post their pictures they took themselves, using the "angles", to show off their shitty emo hair stypes that look like they cut it themselves but in all actuallity they paid someone to do that to them.
♣ On a related "Myspace Hairstyle" note:
Check this Out.
♣ Just remember to come back....I haven't figured out how to make links open to a seperate page. If you don't some back, I'll be sad...or not...because I won't know...but you will and I'd hate for something like that to weigh on your conscience. So do yourelf a favor and don't forget to backtrack.

And until the next entry, much love readers....may you all live long and prosper (or whatever the Star Trek geeks say) ; )
PS-The name of this blog entry comes from the fact that I stumbled upon a Rock, paper, scissors tutorial site...How lame is that? Now I've played R,P,S before but I have never looked up tips on how to get better at it.