Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Good times.

If you look at me today, you would probably assume that when I was younger, I was a total nerd and spent all my time in the library. And you would be right.
But I had crazy friends. They were absolutely insane but they taught me more than any teacher at DSFH ever did.
This list is a short compilation of a few of the life lessons my dear friends bestowed upon me before my parents realized what bad habits I was learning and pulled me out of public school.
*Do not get drunk and call your ex. It never ends well.
*Do not stick your fingers in cigar cutters when you’re drunk just because someone said "Hey. Stick your finger in here.”
*Do not ride a bike in the ice, or slick snow when you have a thorn patch at the end of your driveway.
*Do not ride a tiny bike down a steep hill and over a large speed bump.
*Despite what we all like to think, not EVERYTHING is smokable.
*Don't throw frisbees at lit lightbulbs.
*Don't take pills just because someone says, “Hey. Take these.”
*Don't get drunk and run around naked at a shopping center.
*Gasoline smells good but don't smell it for too long.
*Check the expiration date on orange juice before making shooters.
*It is not fun to dance on the roof despite the thrill.
*Most cats have claws. Don't blow in their face just because they make a funny face.
*Eye patches only look good on pirates (see above).
*If they are hot and drunk, they probably have a boyfriend that is big and drunk or a girlfriend who is crazy and drunk.
*Just because they are wearing sunglasses doesn't mean they are blind.
*Empty paintball guns + old people = probation.
*It's not fun to get drunk and hit your friends in the face with a champaign cork.
*You would be surprised who accurate your champaign cork aiming is when you are drunk.
*Do not burn things in the bathroom.
*Don't show up at your friend’s house with a bottle of Jack Daniels in your hand. Sometimes their parents are home.
*No cops anywhere believe "We were just going to Waffle House” when it is 2am.
*Getting blitzed and knocking on random peoples’ doors at 11pm can results in an angry man with pistol.
*The first place your parents look for weed is your top drawer.
*And as good as a hiding place as it sounds; the second place they look is above the door frame in the inside of your closet.
*Don't tempt drunk friends to "Spray me with that mace, I fucking dare you." Because they are plastered and they will.
*Your parents don't believe that you’re using that lighter for candles.
*Ceiling fans move a lot faster than you think.
*As funny as it may seem, when you are stopped by the cops in your friend’s car, resist screaming, “I GOT WARRENTS” and leaping out the passenger door.

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