Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Questions

Stolen from Cat's blog. With smart-ass responces by yours truly.

Can you cry under water? Probably but only if you are wearing goggles. Fun fact: You can't see underwater when you open your eyes. You need to have air between your eyeball and the water. But I don't remember where I heard that.
What a great idea for emo kids. Instead of them writing shitty poetry about "walking in the rain" so that no one can see their tear, they can just stay underwater. Preferably for long periods of time. Don't forget your waterproof mascara, bitches.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Big. Like super big. Like "Carnie Wilson-before-she-had-her-stomach-removed-(or something like that)" big. I think maybe if Angelina Jolie was murdered, they would call it an assassination. But if Jennifer Aniston was murdered, they would say, "OMG, that bitch got shot. I hope they don't play 'Along Came Polly' over and over again."

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to? Because YOU put your two cents in, and other people want your thoughts. Apparently, you think your thoughts are worth more than they actually are.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Nope, I plan on trading the dress I am buried in for a white robe, some wings and a halo.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box? Have you ever tried to fold a round box?

What disease did cured ham actually have? Probably VD from all the crazy barnyard sex that pigs have. Ew. VD ham.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours? Apparently the people who first said "slept like a baby" was a society mom and had a nanny raise her child.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Because people are stupid.

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway. I think they play "Guess What Kind of Underwear the Patient is Wearing" behind the door. Will it be matching bra and panties or the laundry day mismatched, saggy ass white panties that you bought in bulk for $1 for a pack of thirty.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural? I don't know. Why did someone think that pants come in pairs?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Jimmy probably wrote the stupid song because no one cared about him and then he sang the song just to convince people that someone did care.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Maybe the professor was really a closet idiot who only knew how to do really smart stuff. Kind of like me. When I was 14, I had no idea that when someone asked you if you were cool that they meant were you cool with smoking pot with them or them smoking pot around you. One day, me and a girl I used to know were talking to this guy who lived up the street from me. He asked if I was cool, and I said, "What?" He pulled out a bag of pot and I said, "No, no. We're not cool." Seriously, you have no idea how much it pains me to tell that story.

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Yeah, maybe it has something to do with the view.

1 comment:

Jordan said...

Oh My God, this post is amazing! I'm just glad that there's someone else in the world who feels as strongly about Carnie Wilson as I do. That bitch needs to get the fuck off my Entertainment Tonight, right away. I don't care that you lost ten million pounds, you don't get a damn parade. I'm still fat, where the fuck is my Entertainment Tonight segment? I'm the one who's still sufferning from Wide Ass Syndrome, not you Carnie Wilson.

You are amazing.