Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Look How Far We’ve Come

I hate this. This situation, this feeling, everything. It's like I am stuck in the "Ground Hog Day"-style rerun of my life. The same people doing the same shit in the same place. I don't want to be here anymore. You would think over the past three or fours years something would be better than it was…and, in this case, you'd be wrong.

I'm still the same fucked up girl as I was when my dad passed away. I'm still insecure, neurotic, obsessive, and paranoid. I still need constant reassurance and approval of others even when I say that I am totally my own person and other's opinions don't matter. Oh, and I'm a liar too.

The weird thing is that, after mom broke up with JackAss, I thought I was getting better. He was gone and, along with him, all of the insults and torture he put us through. I thought I was a strong and confident for the first time in my life. I had been through hell and came out the other side with scars that going to eventually heal. But now he's back. What the fuck am I going to do?

I asked her, after everything he has done, if she still wants him back in her life. She hesitated and then said "Yeah. On a part time basis." I told her than that is what she can expect from me. If he is here, I'm not going to be.

2 comments:

Cat said...

I really do understand how you feel about this. You could always run away to Texas. We have colleges here too you know...
I could easily put the twins in the same bedroom and give you a room. Just sayin'.

Love you...

Firefly said...

Thanks Cat. I love you.