Monday, April 20, 2009

Midnight Musings

I'm not exactly sure what I want to say right now. There is something but it just isn't coming out quite right.
My 21st birthday is in 20 days...May 10 for those among us who are unable to preform simple addition due to Internet induced brain rot. I'm not particularly exciting about it. I don't drink very much so that isn't really a huge incentive for me.
The number (21) just makes me feel so.........stifiled.....stagneant. Something like that. I can't help but look at the people I went to school with and to see how far removed they are from what they use to be in high school. They have joined the military or are so close to graduating with bachelor's degrees or have even gotten married and started families. I'm just not there....not even close to any of that.
Sometimes I think that all I have to show for the time I have been away from them is a panic disorder and an extensive knowledge of the side effects of psychiatric medications.

It feels like I am waiting for my life to actually start. How stupid is that? I know that life is here and now and is happening around me all the time but it is like I am just watching everyone else and not actually DOING anything important. I mean, all over the world, babies are being born and people are dying and some are falling in and out of love or traveling or writing novels or saving sea gulls from oil spills or just doing something important with their time and energy. And all I am doing is sitting here bitching about how tired I am of waiting.
Waiting for what?
I don't know. A sign, a letter, a person. Just something to show me that all that I do isn't just a big waste of time.
Because, right now, it just feels like there isn't any light at the end of this tunnel.

1 comment:

Jordan said...

You're preaching to the choir. I've writen many posts like this, because I get it. That feling tha everyone around you is moving so much faster than you are. That feling that you may never catch up. I get that. For me at least, it's thefact ha people aregeting married, and having babies, and being in love forever, and I'm just not there yet. I'm twenty two, so as your elder Ithink I should tell you that these feelings are the norm for most people. Don't think about it too much. The light will turn on, and you'll see the world clearly eventually.