Sunday, June 06, 2010

Mess

I feel like I have written this post half a million times before already. I am sure if I actually took the time and care to look, I could find at least six more like it on this blog.
Yes. It's going to be one of those posts where I bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself.
Feel free to exit now if you must.

I just want to get away from here. I want to get in the car and drive. It doesn't matter which direction I go or where I end up as long as no one there knows my name or any thing about me. I don't want to be me anymore.
I could make up a new identity, a new name, a new story. I could be a farmer's daughter from Kansas. I could dye my hair purple and work in a little coffee shop. Or I could be a librarian (books always made me happy) . I could start wearing dresses, and big floppy hats and sunglasses that take up half my face and make everyone think that I am mysterious and interesting...or tragically without fashion sense. I could be someone new....someone better. Someone who wasn't so fucked up or damaged.

I just don't want to be any one's "project". I don't want to need fixing.

But the thing is that I know no matter where I go or who I try and convince myself that I am, my problems would just follow me there because I as learned last week, I cannot get away from problems that exist in my head.

I am so fucking sick of being nervous all the time. It is as if I am always waiting for the sky to fall, the next crisis or train wreck. I cannot simply relax and enjoy the quiet moment because it is in the quiet moments that the events that have had the most impact on my life have occurred.
I hate the quiet. I never realized that before.

2 comments:

DickDastardly87 said...

I feel the same...I'm a rambling wreck. I've had thoughts of dropping everything for a year and working in a coffee shop, although that may turn out to be more hectic then life now. I Don't let anything hold you back..

Co said...

Instead of anti-depressants (saw that mentioned in a post).. what about trying anxiety medication?

You can be someone new, someone better. As soon as you decide to do so.

As for the past, or the damage. You need to let it go before you can move on. I say this from personal experience. Sure we can keep thinking how bad we "had" it. But the fact is if it isn't currently happening. Then don't dwell on it.

Anyways, probably a bit much from a total stranger...I get that a lot.