Yes. It's going to be one of those posts where I bitch and moan and feel sorry for myself.
Feel free to exit now if you must.
I just want to get away from here. I want to get in the car and drive. It doesn't matter which direction I go or where I end up as long as no one there knows my name or any thing about me. I don't want to be me anymore.
I could make up a new identity, a new name, a new story. I could be a farmer's daughter from Kansas. I could dye my hair purple and work in a little coffee shop. Or I could be a librarian (books always made me happy) . I could start wearing dresses, and big floppy hats and sunglasses that take up half my face and make everyone think that I am mysterious and interesting...or tragically without fashion sense. I could be someone new....someone better. Someone who wasn't so fucked up or damaged.
I just don't want to be any one's "project". I don't want to need fixing.
But the thing is that I know no matter where I go or who I try and convince myself that I am, my problems would just follow me there because I as learned last week, I cannot get away from problems that exist in my head.I am so fucking sick of being nervous all the time. It is as if I am always waiting for the sky to fall, the next crisis or train wreck. I cannot simply relax and enjoy the quiet moment because it is in the quiet moments that the events that have had the most impact on my life have occurred.
I hate the quiet. I never realized that before.