Friday, December 31, 2010

A Love Letter to 2010.

Dear 2010,
I honestly have been sitting here looking at this little flashing curser for 20 minutes now…wondering what to say. What can I say about 2010? It’s been a ride.

School had been beyond challenging. With Mental-Health and Adult Nursing 1 in the spring and Maternal-Child and Adult Nursing 2 in the fall, I have learned so much this year. Aside from the academic side of thing, I have learned that this IS what I am meant to be doing and it was no accident that I ended up where I am today. I learned that I am capable of a seemingly endless amount of compassion and kindness (maybe too much) but also that I am stronger and much more resiliant than I give myself credit for.
The people who I have had the opportunity to meet through school have truly been a light house in a storm for me and I cannot imagine going through this without their support. They have listened to me cry and complain and heard my success stories and my threats to quit. As one of my classmates said, “Girl, you started this with us and you are finishing it. Even if I have to drag you across that graduation stage by your hair.” They believe in me when even I didn’t. And for that, I am eternally grateful.

This wasn’t the best year for my family relationships. Mother Dearest spent every moment she could in Florida with her beau (even Christmas) and I feel as if I did not see her all year between me being gone all week with classes and her being gone every weekend…and all summer. Our relationship is a complicated one and I really don’t care to go into it in too much detail on this blog because the reality of what it has become since my father passed away depresses me too much. Honestly, and it kills me to say this because I do love her but her ex-boyfriend has been more of a support to me in the past year than she has.
My older brother Rich is not involved in my life for the time being and I am grateful for that. It feels like since he has been gone, I have had a cancerous mole removed. Rich and I were never close. It goes back to even when we were kids. He's manipulative and conniving and he uses people to his advantage. He does things that put people he claims to care about at risk and involves them in situations that could potentially do them serious harm or ruin their lives. When he was living here, I spent as little time at home as possible because I found that even being around him for more than a few hours caused me to have panic attacks. This might sound harsh to the casual observer but I do not consider him my brother (he’s my half-brother actually). He is just my mom’s son and just because we happen to have a few similar genes, that doesn't make us family.
On the bright side, I have gotten much closer to Lee and his girlfriend, Brit. They were here with me at my worst and stuck it out with me. It makes me proud to see the people they are becoming and I want nothing more than to help them on their journey to who they are suppose to be.

Romance was…blah. Don’t get me wrong. It was a very interesting year. Between my fling with WhatsHisName (which turned out to be a freaking disaster even though I still think about him from time to time), a few innocent infatuations here and there, and whatever the Ex and I had, it was fun. There were some good times and some pretty awesome stories (buy me a beer and maybe I’ll tell you sometimes…but for now, to keep this blog at its pg-13 rating, my lips are sealed). ;-)
But despite the physical relationships, something was always missing. I want something solid that I can count on to be there even when I am at my lowest point. What me and the Ex had was as close to love as I have ever come but it was never a solid, stable relationship.
Blah. Maybe 2011 will have that in store for me.

So farewell, 2010. It's been an adevnture. I learned some lessons, got into some trouble, and managed to have a little bit of fun along the way. Thank you for everything.
xoxox
Estelle

2011 - I have high hopes for you. P;ease don't let me down.

1 comment:

NP Odyssey said...

I'm glad you feel passionate that nursing is what you are meant to be doing. Even as I get off my shift at the hospital on New Year's Eve, I realized how much I enjoy the profession.
Don't get me wrong there are times it will drive you crazy. Both now while you are in school and later when you are working, but it is worth it. Do not give up.

Which also ties into your family. You are building your life now, and your mother and brother will be there in the future. Relationships change over the years, but right now get your career and life on solid ground before you deal with theirs.