Sunday, December 12, 2010

May the bridges I burn light my way.

Hello my darlings.
This blog entry was extremely difficult for me to write and share with you all.
Please keep that in mind if you decide to comment.

I finally have had some time to process all that has happen over the past few months and I have discovered that maybe having time to think about all of it isn't the best thing for me.
This is something that has been weighing on my mind and heart for a while now. But I am not sure where to start with this story.
If you are my friend on Facebook, you might have seen this status posted a few days ago:
There is a point in life when you get tired of chasing everyone and trying to fix everything, but it's not giving up. It's realizing that you don't need certain people and their crap. [I probably won't miss you, but I will miss the person I thought you were. Take care of yourself. xoxo, E]


In January of this year, I met someone. We quickly hit it off and became very good friends. Slowly, it grow to something more than just a regular friendship.
I knew from the beginning that it was a bad idea to get involved with them. Our friendship meant the world to me and I knew that once we crossed that line, there was no way we (or at least, I) could go back to what it was before. But at first. it was easy. We were both able to separate those two parts of what we had...our friendship and our intimate relationship. No one knew about what we had because we both kept it hidden very well...not even our families or closest friends.
But as the months passed, we both began having more and more trouble with that. We started to seriously fall for each other. I honestly believed that, at one time, we truly loved each other.
Our relationship was an unhealthy one. There is no doubt in my mind about that. At times, we pushed each other and we brought out the worst in one another. We brought our bad habits and flaws, our addictions and insecurities into the relationship. Our jealously and tempers, while providing fuel to some mind-blowing moments between us, lead to our downfall.
You see, I knew that I was not the only person that they were seeing. It didn't bother me so much at first, because to be perfectly honest, I was doing the same thing. But as I did develop feelings for this person, I became faithful. They did the same thing, or at least, they said they did.
That was a lie.
It became a deal breaker between us.

So here we are.
I feel heartbroken. And betrayed. And I want nothing more than to curl up in a ball, cry, fall sleep, and wake up the next day with no more tears to shed and a heart made of steel.
But despite all the emotions swirling around in my heart and mind right now, the most pronounced one is anger. Not angry at them, mind you. I'm angry at myself. I am angry that I went against my better judgement and opened my heart to someone who couldn't be trusted.
I am angry that I didn't realized sooner that I am not a back-up plan. And I am sure as hell not a second choice.

I learned my lesson. And this will not happen again.

2 comments:

ChloƩ. said...

This makes my heart really sad. I'm really sorry that you found yourself in a relationship like that. I hope you know that not ALL relationships are terrible, and I hope you don't give up on love. Be strong girl :) You only deserve the best!

CaLLie.ANN said...

Estelle,

Could we be any more similar? Seriously. This shit is baffling.

At any rate, I'm super sorry you're feeling such heartache. I wish I could be there for you and cuddle right next to you to tell you it will be okay.

Also, super proud of you for allowing yourself to open up and let someone in. I know from experience, not an easy thing to do.

Keep truckin' girl,
You're darling.