Okay. The first damn day of this challenge and I am already not looking forward writing about this topic. This might be a little more difficult than I thought.
This should be a very straight forward topic. I should be able to say “Yes. I am seeing someone”or“No. I am single.” But of course, me being me, it is never that simple.
The short answer: I am casually dating right now, not seeing anyone seriously, and do not expect to for at least a while.
The long answer: Damn. Okay, here goes.
I am sure some of you remember me talking about my ex and how we ended things in December. It is still odd for me to talk about, both in terms of thinking of her as my “ex” after being together for almost a year [and basically, keeping it a secret for that long] and in talking about her at all because I have yet to come out to anyone in my “real life” as bisexual.
The story of what we had [and what we currently have] is complicated. And, despite the comfort that I find in the anonymity of this blog, I find myself writing and then erasing these words over and over again. Part of me feels as though I should be ashamed about the whole thing, not because of the fact that she is a woman but because of some of the circumstances surrounding our relationship [most prominently, the secrecy of it and the fact that the secrecy was necessary]. But another part of me is saying that I have nothing to feel guilty about. That everyone involved was perfectly fine with the situation and screw what people on the outside looking in think.
So, for now at least, I think it would be best to leave that can of worms unopened. The bottom line is that we simply cannot be together. There is just no way around that. No matter how much we love each other. No matter how much both of us want it. It is just so frustrating when we both know that this is how it is has to be even though neither of us wants it like this
But then she looks at me and tells me that she thinks we are soul mates. That she has never been this connected with anyone before. And I want so badly to tell her that I believe the same thing…that this is killing me. That I have learned more about myself in the one year we have been together than I had in the 21 years before combined. That how I feel about her almost scares me because I never thought I was even capable of caring for someone on this deep of a level.
But instead I told her that I love her…but there is no way we can *be in love* with each other. That if we want to remain in each other’s lives, it simply cannot go beyond a friendship anymore. [By the way, I really hate being the rational one.]
But in a way, I think I am lucky. I am so fortunate to have been through this experience. It has taught me so much about myself and about my ability to love someone unconditionally. Despite challenges that we have faced, we have been able to maintain a friendship that I would not trade for the world.
And I will continue telling myself that that is enough.