Thursday, January 27, 2011

Day 1 - My Current Relationship

Day 1. My current relationship. If single, discuss how single life is.

Okay. The first damn day of this challenge and I am already not looking forward writing about this topic. This might be a little more difficult than I thought.

This should be a very straight forward topic. I should be able to say “Yes. I am seeing someone”or“No. I am single.” But of course, me being me, it is never that simple.

The short answer: I am casually dating right now, not seeing anyone seriously, and do not expect to for at least a while.
The long answer: Damn. Okay, here goes.

I am sure some of you remember me talking about my ex and how we ended things in December. It is still odd for me to talk about, both in terms of thinking of her as my “ex” after being together for almost a year [and basically, keeping it a secret for that long] and in talking about her at all because I have yet to come out to anyone in my “real life” as bisexual.

The story of what we had [and what we currently have] is complicated. And, despite the comfort that I find in the anonymity of this blog, I find myself writing and then erasing these words over and over again. Part of me feels as though I should be ashamed about the whole thing, not because of the fact that she is a woman but because of some of the circumstances surrounding our relationship [most prominently, the secrecy of it and the fact that the secrecy was necessary]. But another part of me is saying that I have nothing to feel guilty about. That everyone involved was perfectly fine with the situation and screw what people on the outside looking in think.

So, for now at least, I think it would be best to leave that can of worms unopened. The bottom line is that we simply cannot be together. There is just no way around that. No matter how much we love each other. No matter how much both of us want it. It is just so frustrating when we both know that this is how it is has to be even though neither of us wants it like this
But then she looks at me and tells me that she thinks we are soul mates. That she has never been this connected with anyone before. And I want so badly to tell her that I believe the same thing…that this is killing me. That I have learned more about myself in the one year we have been together than I had in the 21 years before combined. That how I feel about her almost scares me because I never thought I was even capable of caring for someone on this deep of a level.

But instead I told her that I love her…but there is no way we can *be in love* with each other. That if we want to remain in each other’s lives, it simply cannot go beyond a friendship anymore. [By the way, I really hate being the rational one.]
But in a way, I think I am lucky. I am so fortunate to have been through this experience. It has taught me so much about myself and about my ability to love someone unconditionally. Despite challenges that we have faced, we have been able to maintain a friendship that I would not trade for the world.

And I will continue telling myself that that is enough.


It's just me :) said...

I know exactly how you feel.

Unfortunately for me, I had to cut that person out of my life because it was too hard to deal with "look but don't touch"

It is so hard to love someone you know you can't have all the while knowing that they love you just as much.

Sometimes life sucks.

I feel you girl.

Anonymous said...

What's meant to be...will :)

Cartoon Characters said...

one of my best gf's first had a male relationship and then was in a fairly long relationship with a woman. She said it isn't the gender but the person that she was attracted to...whether they were male or female, didn't matter to her....

I can understand that. Entirely.

As for the secrecy: we do what is comfortable for us and allow time to work things out. And it will. :)

Zac said...

I feel ya on this one. It's difficult to juggle things like that when there's one big gorilla in the relationship screwing things up that would otherwise be ok, or even great.

While I can't say I've shared in your specific situation, I've had my fair share of awkwardness leading to separation. There was even the one time that I just had to cut things off early when an ex took issue with that I wouldn't join them for weekly services.

You can't force something that huge, so you deal, take time out to regather all the marbles that fell out, and get back up. And I'm sure none of this will make any sense in the morning due to extreme tiredness on my part, but it is 2 am.

Zazzy Episodes said...

It does suck to be the rational one, but if you feel this is the right choice to make then you're on the right track.
I had a relationship where I thought I was in love with someone against all common sense in me at the time and after breaking it off I was better off by doing that.
I won't say any of the stupid clich├ęs about there being other fish in the sea, but just see your worth as being priceless. You rock Estelle, plus you're pretty damn talented too!!

CaLLie.ANN said...


You're a damn strong girl. This would be absolutely terrible and you handle it well. I'm proud of you. :)

....and I love that your semi-out. Be gay and be proud. (or bi, in your case) :) xoxo.

Estelle Darling said...

It's just me: I am hoping it doesn't coming to that point because she means so much to me and the thought of never being able to talk to her is keeping me and her on our best behavior. :(

Chlo: Thanks, doll. But I think that maybe it isn't meant to be. I know that any relationship requires work but damn. It was beginning to feel like we had the whole world against us.

Cartoon Characters: That is exactly what was like for us. Neither of us has been in a relationship be a woman before, and before we meet, would never have identified ourselves as attracted to other women. But no matter. We were just drawn to each other.

Zac: Ha. It does make sense. The gorilla isn't a person so much as the circumstances surrounding the relationship. Wrong place, wrong time. My wish is that one day we will be able to look back at this time with fond memories but right now, it just is a total suckfest.

Zazzy Episodes: It doesn't feel right so much as I know it is what is right. Nothing that hurts like this can possibly be right but I know that there really isn't any other way.
And talented? Thank you for the compliment but I am not really sure what you mean. :-/

Callie Ann: Thank you, love. You always make me smile. That was probably the hardest sentence to write in this whole post, because I think I was admitting it to myself for the first time. But i am glad I did. :)

Kendra said...

I also know exactly how you feel. Some of your words, I could have written myself, about myself. I completely understand those deep down feelings and the "wrong place wrong time" kind of situation. It truly is heartbreaking and frustrating.

I do hope things will work out for you, one way or the other, and you will find happiness. I'm a firm believer in things happening for a reason, and while we may not realize the reason, it's there. Probably not much help to toss out a worn cliche...but when I'm having a tough time trying to figure it all out, that idea can usually bring some logic and comfort to the situation.

Estelle Darling said...

Kendra: Thank you. The cliques have lasted because behind every one of them, there is a grain of truth.
I know that there is a reason behind why this happened, even though I may not be happy about it now. My only hope is that it will make me stronger and give me a little perspective in my future relationships.