Monday, January 03, 2011

Falling in Love and Other Painful Things

Hello my loves
I think despite my best efforts to the contrary, I may be becoming a mostly reasonable, fairly mature, semi-well adjusted adult.

Case in point: Today was a friend of mine's birthday.
Actually, let's back up a minute. Once upon a time, he was more than a friend, at least to me. I was infatuated with him. Head-over-freaking-heels. The kind of passion that writes songs and builds monuments and drives 3 days straight across the country just to see him for 10 minutes. I was crazy about him, basically. But he had a girlfriend. So I let go of any ideas I had about us falling in love and living happily ever after and continued on contently with just being a friend and study buddy to him.
One day, I heard through the grapevine that he was single again (why he didn't tell me himself, I'll never know). So I did what any modern woman would do. I asked him out.
He was hesitant and I knew what he was going to say even before he said it. He looked me in the eyes and told me that he cared about me...that I was a sweet girl (that actually stung a little when he said it)...that I was a great friend and he loved me like a sister....but that was all I would ever be to him.
After being kind of frosty to him for the next month, I finally realized that I had no reason to be upset with him. In fact, the only thing he was guilty of was not realizing how amazing I am...and how could I be angry at him for something like that? If anything, I should be sad for him because he missed out on something that could have been beautiful.
So I "forgave" him and we went back to the way things were before.

Well, today was his birthday. I signed into Facebook and saw all our friends posting on his wall. But something on his page caught my eye. In a small box on one side, I saw his new girlfriend. So naturally, I looked at her profile.
She was cute. And she had tons of photos of them together....and I have never seen him smile like that before. He was almost glowing. He looked so captivated by love with her.
I looked at the photos for a moment...trying to process how I felt about it. And I think now I can say that I am truly happy for him.
Darlings, I care about this guy. Would I have liked for us to be together? Yes. But even more than that, I want him to be happy...even if it isn't with me.

So, here we are, my loves.
I am single. And I'm okay. Even as I see all my friends and the people I care about finding their someone special and falling in love and building families, I'm okay. That will be me one day. Even if I have to wait for it awhile. And I am sure, one day, the wait will have been worth it.

I'd like to wish my sweetheart Callie Ann the best of luck with nursing school. Today was her first day. And I am just so proud of her. :-)
You are amazing, girl. And you are going to be an awesome nurse.


Zazzy Episodes said...

Aww Estelle, see when you start being okay with being alone is when the outside world sees it too and then that starts looking impressive and intriguing to the right guy that comes along. And then the fireworks ignite and the relationship starts, and the rest is history! Stay strong and be confident with being on your own!

Kendra said...

I truly understand you on this one. While my situation is not quite the same, it's similar enough -- I just want a certain person to be happy, even if it's not *exactly* the way I would prefer it to go.

PS -- thanks for visiting my blog! And sorry it's taken me a couple days to reciprocate...but now that I've come over, I'll look around a bit ;-)

CaLLie.ANN said...

Gahhh! Estelle. You are the best. Thanks for the little shout out.

You're my little crutch through this whole process. xo