Monday, January 24, 2011

I am...

A daughter. A sister. A niece. A cousin.
A friend. A partner-in-crime. A lover.
A student.
A young girl and a grown woman.
I am confident and scared, terrified and excited.
I am loving and caring and thoughtful and hopeful. I am sick and tired and angry and hurt.
I am shy and friendly.
Careful and careless. Broken and whole.
I am misunderstood, misguided, and mislead.
I am hardworking and determined but scared to death that it isn't enough.
I wish on stars and dandelions. I chase my dreams and falling leaves [they are magic before they touch the ground].
I pray to a god I don't know is listening and whisper my thanks to the universe.
I smile on the outside while I am dying on the inside.
I listen to others who won't listen to me.
I walk on eggshells and I walk on fire.
I believe in passion but I wasn't so sure I believed in true love.

But I love you and I push you away.
I want you...but not so close.

I am scared. Of you. Of how you make me feel. Open and vulnerable.
I built up all these defences, this armor to keep me from being hurt and somehow, you found a way in. I don't even know how it happened. The way you make me feel, it is holding me hostage and making it hard for me to breath. Like every word you say to me has the potential to become a shard of glass that that works its way into my heart.

Please prove me wrong.
Please be worth this risk.
Because if you hurt me [again], I don't know how I am suppose trust in love anymore.


Zazzy Episodes said...

I'm scared and nervous for you too, good luck and ask the Lord to help guide your steps and I think you'll come out with something really lovely here. I'm cheering for you!

Anonymous said...

This is absolutely amazing. LOVE it.

This... "I pray to a god I don't know is listening and whisper my thanks to the universe." Gave me the shivers.

You are awesome :)

Cartoon Characters said...

I think we have all been there's just that you put it so eloquently...
I think that is why it touches everyone when they read what you have written......

Kendra said...

I know exactly how you feel. But I've never been able to put it into words as you have.

"I smile on the outside while I am dying on the inside." <---this is me

rnraquel said...

Real love is terrifying!

CaLLie.ANN said...

It's like your writing my story, swear on earth.

Estelle, you are amazing.
Good luck with the love fest.
I'm rooting for you.


Gabe and Kristen said...

I found your blog through "year of Grace"

THis post is absolutely amazing!

Thank you for sharing!

Chelsea Elizabeth. said...

This is beautiful. And I have felt this way before, but I couldn't put it into words like you successfully have.

<3Chelsea Elizabeth