Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Day 5 - Suicide

Day 5 – A Time You Thought about Ending Your Own Life.

F&ck.

I don’t want to write about this. And until about an hour ago, I said I was skipping it all together. Just don’t mention it. No one would notice. Right?

But then a little voice in the back of my mind [the one that tells me to leave the house ten minutes early or to not take a particular path when on a walking trail] told me “You have to tell this story. Someone might need to hear it.” I have been trying to listen to this voice more often because whoever it is, she seems so much smarter than me.

So, here I am. But as I said in the beginning, I reserve the right to modify these topics as I see fit. The story itself, I refuse to go into. In therapy, it is referred to as a *trigger* and while I like to think I have come a very long way since then, it causes the emotions I have yet to deal with to come rushing back to the surface. And I really just can’t cope with that right now.
[Side note: This is why I really didn't like my mental health nursing class.]

Long story short: Yes. I have thought about suicide. Many times.

When I was a teenager [a mere 3 years ago], I was a cutter [that is why you will never see me in shorts]. It always happened late at night right before I fell asleep. I hated those moments…as I was lying in bed trying to will my noisy mind into a peaceful slumber. Every mistake, every word that I should or shouldn’t have said, every moment that made me hate who I was would charge through my head like a herd of runaway horses.

I didn’t talk to people about it because I felt like no one could ever understand. I mean, how could anyone sympathize with me when they realized that I thought I needed to do this? I needed to hurt myself. The desire to feel the cut, see the thin trail of blood left behind in the razor’s wake, and then feel this sick sense of relief. It was therapeutic….soothing. I did it for different reasons. Sometimes, it was so I wouldn’t feel numb...I wanted to feel something. Even if it was pain. And at other times, it was because I felt like I deserved it.

No one deserves that.

This time in my life was nothing short of hell. I was so far from perfect but then again, no one is. There were days when I didn’t get out of bed because I didn’t want to live anymore. And at times, I felt beyond broken. I wanted to scream and cry and break things so that the chaos I felt swirling in my head was apparent to everyone on the outside looking in. Cutting never solved any of this. All it did was leave scars that I think of a battle wounds.

I think that it take more bravery to find out who you are beyond all the chaos and trauma you have experienced, rather than to merely survive it. People hurt and times are difficult. We are given the life we are given because we are strong enough to live it. We may break and we may fall apart..but we are also tough and we mend. We are who we are but that isn’t all we will ever be.

There are far better things ahead than anything we left behind, darlings.

xoxox
Estelle

12 comments:

Kaleena J. said...

i'm glad you shared this post. there was a time in my life too where i considered it... but that was my darkest hour and i'm still baffled how i got myself out of that..

i always look forward to your posts, i'm not a big commenter, but i'm always reading.

NP Odyssey said...

Thank you for sharing that very personal part of your life.

Many people will relate to many parts of your story, the racing mind, the thoughts or different kinds of scars from life lived.

But, what hit home for me is where you said, "We are given the life we are given because we are strong enough to live it." True, no matter what your beliefs.
Your going to make a great nurse because you already heal with your words.

Estelle Darling said...

Kaleena: Honestly, I haven't a clue how I managed to go on like this for as long as I did. One day I finally realized that the walls I had created to keep other people out were just serving to fence me in. I finally got help.

NP: Thank you so much for your comment. You don't know how much that means to me. :)

rnraquel said...

I think there are so many people that can relate to your experiences. I am so glad you shared them. I have struggled through some very dark depression as well. Zoloft is one of my best friends ;)

CaLLie.ANN said...

Estelle,

That "little voice you heard" was for me. This post makes me C R Y. And so therapeutic for me to read. I NEED to be able to hear stories like this, and help me understand the state of mind that my dad was in. Because of my anger and hurt for him, I close my mind off to the idea of depression and suicidal thoughts. I can't put myself in his shoes and it only makes me more angry. To hear your story, helps me understand him a little more. It shines a light on his state of mind and gives me a sense of comfort. Thank you for that, honestly. It's a HUGE stepping stone for me in the grieving process and I really appreciate you for sharing it with me.

p.s. In response to your comment, I would NEVER think different of you. EVER.

xo

Absentbabinski said...

That was a brave post, it shows strength of character to have discussed it :)

Glad you survived that part of your life and I'm sure it's helped shape you in a positive way to face the challenges that nursing will bring your way!

kristen said...

Estelle, nothing is worth ending your life over, that is for sure. Always remember that tomorrow is a new day, and problems will get better with the passing of time.

Chlo☮ said...

This made me cry. Thanks for posting this, really :)

Zazzy Episodes said...

Here's my $.02 worth, first let me tell you that you have my sincerest congrats on taking the biggest step of getting help. This is an ever increasing situation that many can relate to so thanks for sharing your story. Second I do believe "that voice" is the Lord whispering to you in times when you're unsure of what to do or where to go. After listening to "that voice" I had a life changing moment that completely rerouted the life I was living at the time to what I've become now (complete night and day difference). Hopefully listening to that voice brings you peace and hope.

FLIPFLOP GUY said...

depression lives in the dark but can't escape the light of day. shine light on it and it will flee.

Nighthawke said...

Pretty brave to share this with the world. Huge step for you im sure. Bravo

Anonymous said...

Im in nursing school, I used to be a cutter, Im glad Im not alone.


Thank you.