Wednesday, March 09, 2011

Thoughts At 4am When I Should Be Sleeping

Maybe it's good for me to write like this. Kind of raw and naked and without thinking too much about it. Because I am my own worst enemy most days, especially in my own head. I see the words that have poured out of me when I wasn't really trying to make them sound articulate or poetic and I think, "Nope. It's good. From anyone else. But this is too much of me. It's too much my thoughts. I don't want people to see me like this. I don't want to be that exposed."
I will probably regret this tomorrow.

I think the person you care about the most is the people who you'll let hurt you the most.
Because we all have that one person. Like a poison apple in our lives. But no matter what, I can't give up on them. They may screw me over time and damn time again but I give them second, third, fifteenth chances. And I swear it will be the last time but I are lying to myself because I know the moment that they hurt me again, I'll have another chance waiting on them.
I know I are better off without them...but why can't I let them go?

This is the person I want to yell at and say, "You suck. Seriously. You are inconsiderate and insensitive and selfish and cruel. You are thoughtless and everytime you told me you loved me, I am almost certain you were lying because you don't treat someone you love like this. You don't intentionally hurt someone you love. You don't deserve to have someone like me care about you so much. And you don't deserve someone like me losing sleep and sanity over you."
But when I open my mouth to say it, it doesn't come out like that.
It's a little softer and it sounds a lot like, "It's alright. I forgive you. And I still love you."


Anonymous said...

I happen to love when you write like this. All honest and what-not. You're amazing Estelle. Amazing I tell you.

Zazzy Episodes said...

Kick that ASS to the curb!

Nadisha said...

When you've had enough you won't need to let them go because you'll be the one walking away.

CaLLie.ANN said...

You say the things that every other girl only dares to think.

I've had these exact feelings, thoughts, phrases.

You're not alone, love bug.

Kendra said...

Been there, done that. Would be a better, less emotionally damaged person to this day if I'd been able to say those exact words to someone about 12-13 years ago.

People suck.

Cartoon Characters said...

well put, and good timing.

Interestingly enough, I was having thots about a brother of mine who is acting like an idiot.

What do you do when you are related to that person and they are hurting everyone they should love?

They are always going to be a part of one's life no matter what.

I chose to walk away - for now. For once. Never thought I would ever do that.

Thanks for your honest post

no_souvenirs said...

Letting go, for me, has been one of the hardest things that I've had to do...It seems that my gut is always the first to know...way before my heart ever catches on..

Laura Darling said...

I've been there. And it's not easy, that's for sure.

Filterless B-) said...

O my darling Estelle, i applaud u for putting ur thoughts out there for one ;-). All of us have been there!!!

BUT you know I always say what I'm here it is....letting go and walking away is painful and makes u feel like you are going to die and everything sucks and it's even worse when you are lonely and takes forever to subside BUT......if you are riding a bus and sitting in the seat next to this one that you love and the driver stops to pick up more passengers and the one that will truly love you the way you deserve hops on the bus and is looking for a place to sit and the seat next to u is already taken will have missed YOUR CHANCE and life doesn't tend to hand those out in seconds, thirds, or fifteenths....

Just a lil something for u to think about (and probably the longest run on sentence EVER lol).

Till next time love :-*

Filterless B-) said...

O...and I just have to add....pic of lil red riding hood.....F'n ROCKS!!! (in case u don't remember who i am)