Monday, April 11, 2011

*le sigh*

My darling readers, no need to worry. I am not gone forever [although, I know it must feel like it] but I have been a horrible blogger. I have neglected both posting on this site as well as reading [and commenting on] my nursing cohorts' blogs. Can you ever forgive me? :-(

Something has been weighing on my mind lately. It is like one of those bumble bees. It buzzes around your mind for hours at a time and you are always trying to swat it away, only to have it come back and surprise you again when you least expect it.

I have pretty much mastered the art of pushing people away. I mean, I am really good at it. And I have proved it time and time again. And I know that I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I have been referred to as "damaged goods" because of the insecurities and fears that stem from my past relationships.

As much as I hate to admit it, I don't want to fall for anyone [opps...too late] because I am terrified that if I do, they won't be there to catch me. I don't trust people. Especially if they say they care about me because I always wonder 'What the hell do you see in me that I don't?" Because I worry that I am not what they have in mind, or that I'm not enough, or that when I actually do fall for them and have opened up, they will suddenly remember that they can do so much better. They could have a girl without as many issues, hang-ups, or baggage.

It is just so easy to take your cloths off and sleep with someone. People do that all the time. But when you open up to someone and you let them into your thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams. When you let them see who you really are, flaws and all, that is being naked.
And it is fucking terrifying.


Kendra said...

Girl, you and I have got to be twins. The 2nd and 3rd paragraphs after the picture...I could have written them myself...about myself.

I hate that you also feel like this, but at the same time, it's kinda nice to know that I'm not the only freak who pushes people away and has a hard time trusting. I have ruined more relationships/friendships this way... :-(

NP Odyssey said...

Alright Estelle a little tough love from me.

First off everybody has baggage it means you have lived life. People with no baggage should scare you. The problem is how do you handle your baggage?

Do you burden others with it? Or bring it into relationships at the wrong time or during the wrong situations? And if anyone ever said to you that you are damaged goods, then they are taking the cowards' way out.

Estelle, if you meet someone special and they do not see you for who you are, then walk away. They are immature and childish and need to grow as an adult. You need to trust your intuition about people, it will usually be right.

Also, being self-judgemental is easy to do, especially when your younger, but knock it off. If this new person you are smittin with feels the same way you do, then things will work out.

So put your past relationships where they belong, in the past.

It is time to move forward. You are a good person with a good future, that will only be decided by you.

rnraquel said...

It is true. We all have baggage, some have a carry on. Some have multiple suitcases, but we've all got it. I have a whole luggage store. It is what makes us who we are.
It can be so hard, but try not to worry so much. This is coming from a champion worrier/overanalyzer/self doubter, so I can totally empathize. You deserve to be loved. Enjoy and appreciate. Savor.

Absentbabinski said...

I love the graphic (totally going to use it for next year's valentines)

Because I am terrible at expressing myself eloquently, I'm going to borrow a couple of lines from my 2nd favourite poem:

"Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass."


"Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness."

Better than I could have put it in 100 years.

Krista said...

We all have *something* we bring into our relationships. If we hadn't gone through the bad and the crazy, we wouldn't be the people we are today and the person that a special someone will fall madly in love with some day.

Having a past is inevitable for everyone, but making the past something that is useful by becoming wiser and kinder because of it will only enrich future relationships.

Baggage can be good. (says the queen of baggage :-)