Something has been weighing on my mind lately. It is like one of those bumble bees. It buzzes around your mind for hours at a time and you are always trying to swat it away, only to have it come back and surprise you again when you least expect it.
I have pretty much mastered the art of pushing people away. I mean, I am really good at it. And I have proved it time and time again. And I know that I am not an easy person to be in a relationship with. I have been referred to as "damaged goods" because of the insecurities and fears that stem from my past relationships.
As much as I hate to admit it, I don't want to fall for anyone [opps...too late] because I am terrified that if I do, they won't be there to catch me. I don't trust people. Especially if they say they care about me because I always wonder 'What the hell do you see in me that I don't?" Because I worry that I am not what they have in mind, or that I'm not enough, or that when I actually do fall for them and have opened up, they will suddenly remember that they can do so much better. They could have a girl without as many issues, hang-ups, or baggage.
It is just so easy to take your cloths off and sleep with someone. People do that all the time. But when you open up to someone and you let them into your thoughts, fears, hopes, and dreams. When you let them see who you really are, flaws and all, that is being naked.
And it is fucking terrifying.