Sunday, May 08, 2011

Unanswered Questions.

My last entries prompted a few of my dear readers to ask a few questions about some of the goings-on in my life lately. I suppose how I addressed the situations was a little vague and does warrant a little more detailed response.

So here we are, darlings. Hope this answer helps. ♥

The Doctor's Appointment:
On the April 13, I had a doctor's appointment with an endocrinologist. I first saw her about two years ago because my primary care doc found a small nodule on my thyroid...and that was the last time I saw her. Between the time demands of school and just life in general, I always seemed to cancel my appointments. Well, I actually went this time.
After she palpated my thyroid (which felt like she was trying to choke me), she sat down and looked me in the eye (always a bad sign).
Doc: "Estelle, that nodule is noticeably bigger than it was two years ago."
Estelle: "Well...that's not good."
Doc: "I think it might be time to start thinking about a biopsy."
Estelle: "Ha. I'm sorry, Doc. I thought for a moment there you said biopsy."
Doc: "..."
Estelle: "Oh, shit."

She scheduled the biopsy for April 22, which gave me a week and a half to stress over this (when I should have been writing papers). And medical knowledge really isn't comforting when it is you on the other side of the stethoscope.

Never mind that most nodules are just that...nodules….just little over growths of harmless tissue.
Never mind that if a nodule is cancerous, the chances of it being malignant are somewhere between slim and none.
Never mind that if the cancerous nodule is malignant, the survival and cure rates are like 99.9999%

Nope. The only thing you notice is that if the nodule is painless and the patient is under 30, the chances of it being malignant go up.
So yeah. I really didn't sleep during this week. At least no more than two or three hours at a time. Which caused me to be super moody and snappy at everyone (leading to the drama with the honey...but we'll get to that later).

A fine needle aspiration is when a very tiny needle (a 25g...smaller than the kind used to draw blood) guided by an ultrasound into the suspicious tissue to collect cells. This is done five or six times to insure that enough cells are collected in order for a pathologist to study them. Did I mention this is all done without the use of anesthetic of any kind? But according to the doc, she “makes the skin cold to trick the brain into not feeling it”. Wow, yeah, okay. I am sure than can of air duster you have is really going to help me in this situation.
And honestly, I really don't care how small the needle is. I don't want someone to stab me in the throat with one.

So on the 22nd (Good Friday), Mother Dearest and I got in the car and drove to the clinic where the test was being preformed. I, having spent most of the night curled in a ball crying, took enough Xanax that morning to where I really didn't care whether they cut my throat open and took the whole thyroid out.

They called me in the back where I met the ultrasound tech, a really sweet older lady who kind of reminded me of a bird with her short, silver hair and crazy earrings. I am also sure she was the same woman who did the original ultrasound of my thyroid two years before.

She explained the procedure and got me settled on the table with a wedge under my knees and a pillow under my shoulders so that my back was slightly arched and she had better access to my throat.
The doctor had reminded me to wear a low cut top so that they didn't get any skin prep or ultrasound jelly on my clothes. I kind of laughed at this...because pretty much every top I own is low cut. Ha.
The tech started doing her thing. After a few minutes, she stopped and said she had to go check on the previous scans. A short while later, the doctor walked in.
They talked for a few moments as the tech started to ultrasound again. All the while, I am just chilling on the table, thinking how soothing their voices sound. I am pretty sure the Xanax took effect by the point.
Bit of their conversation stood out through my pharmacological-induced fog. "Not sure....this side, right?.....not seeing, it just isn't there...."

That is right, ladies and gentlemen. After a week and a half of basically losing my damn mind worrying over this...the nodule wasn't even there.
It's a miracle!
And of course, I went home and had a very long nap. ;)

The Broken Friendship:
I really don't know how to tell this story. I mean, I know what happened and what i want to say but I don't know how to say it. Plus, I am being very careful about what I say because I know for a fact that he knows about this blog. :-/

So I guess I'll just write and see where this goes...
I am sure most of you remember me telling you about how much I love Twitter and how there is a huge group of nursing students on there. They are amazing. Supportive, sweet, caring. I have actually made friends with several of them to the point of adding them on Facebook.
Well, there was one follower that I got close to. We had quite a few late conversations that ended up going places that they never should have gone. I blame myself for this. I think something about me puts people at ease and it lets them open up to me about things they would never share with other people under normal circumstances.
Things were said that should not have been said. Especially from a married pastor to a girl with a boyfriend. I decided it was time to put an end to it before it went any farther and anything else that he (or I) would regret was said or done.
That evening, I unfriended him on Facebook, unfollowed him on Twitter, and even ended our Words With Friends game. I honestly didn't think he would notice. I mean, why would he? It's just the Internet, right?
Because I was exhausted (hadn't been sleeping, remember?), I fell asleep for about an hour. Well in that hour, he noticed. I woke up to a friend request and a few Facebook messages, as well as several emails to my personal account, and a message sent via Words With Friends. There were also numerous references to this on his personal Twitter page.

I was a little shocked. I didn't know what to say so I told him I was sorry and that it wasn't his fault. I haven't contacted him since despite several attempts by him to get in touch with me (even going so far as to ask several mutual friends what was going on since I had locked my Twitter account…something I think that was completely out of line for him to do and made me feel like I owed these girls apologizes for him feeling it was necessary to drag them into the middle of our personal business).
I am hoping he just forgets about me. I don't want to start an argument over why I ended our friendship but I am afraid that if I were to respond to him, it would end in a screaming match.
Some of the things he has said to me in his emails were just uncalled for...and even cruel. To tell me, "You, though, have broken my heart and have not acted like the healer I know you are" is a low blow and one that I believe was designed specifically to get a rise out of me and force a response. But I refuse to play that game.
But, I will say, that hurt a lot more than I wanted to admit.
Part of what bothers me about this is that fact that the people who knew and followed both of us only heard his side of the story. Basically, that I befriended him and then suddenly and without provocation, dropped him like a bad habit. So in the end, he came out smelling like roses while I am the cold, callous, heartbreaking bitch. Oh well. Such is life.

The Honey Drama:
Ahh. Not really sure what to say about this either but here goes.
The Mr. and I are in a long distance relationship for now and have been for the past few months. I have never been a part of one of those before and, to be frank about it, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I never expected that I would care about him as much as I do or that I would fall for him as hard as I did. And the fact that he is so far away makes it all the more difficult.

I really don’t remember what the argument was about and I am not sure it even matters.
We’ve gotten into several arguments over the past few weeks…mostly stemming from the fact that I don’t like to say what is on my mind and I let things simmer beneath the surface until it becomes obvious that something is very wrong even when it started as just a small issue that could have been handled easily if I had brought it up earlier. Because, apparently, the boy isn’t a mind reader. Shocking, I know.

I mean, he can be cold and distant at times too so I am by no means saying he is perfect. But even though he isn’t perfect, he is right for me. I feel it. He puts up with my flaws and even loves me for them. My craziness and panic and my constant pushing him away in the beginning and giving him “outs”…basically telling him over and over again “Here’s your chance. No one would blame you if you left. Least of all me”. He put up with all of it. I really can’t think of another man who would have (or, hell, even could have) done that.

A few days ago, he said something that shocked me…even more than the first time he told me he loved me. “I worry about you. You aren’t alone anymore.” I didn’t say anything to him about it at the time but that little phrase, as simple as it seems, made me shed a tear. I believe him. I’m not alone anymore. And as hard as I fought in the beginning to keep myself from falling in love with him, I want to fight even harder to make this work.


Tine said...

I don't even have words for this post. ~hugs~

Kendra said...

Glad you got good news on the thyroid issue!

Broken friendships are hard. I am very vaguely aware of what happened, didn't know any details...but no worries, my dear, I have always thought you were fabbalous!

As for the honey gosh, you and I are so much alike. It is unreal.


NP Odyssey said...

First, glad you are all right.

Married Pastor? You might think he came out smelling like a rose, but the whole truth is known by many. Moreover, if his faith is true then this MARRIED Pastor needs a reality check and to go away. If you need to restart an anonymous new blog that is understandable.

Keep hope alive for your honey, how long is he away or will you find a job near him after school? Long distant relationships are hard, but can be done for a short time, and then someone has to make a decision.

Timothy Z Cognitor said...

Suddenly this all seems above my head. Maybe you need advice. But I'm not gonna give any.

Follow your bliss, just make sure it is your bliss you follow and not such raging hormones. Seize the day by looking toward tomorrow some too.

See? non sense is all. Not advice. Yours is the only decisions you will follow anyway.

And no I don't know you either. I just drank a coffee with lots of sugar and ate rib eye. Makes me frisky and full of non sense. i like your blog because you are always writing such confident things about yourself. Try harder!

Keep writing if it makes you happy cause you are a great writer. You do what adventures you like.

"you have to acentuate the positive/eliminate the negative...." Jokingly serious your occassional ereader

~Tim "Rasputin" Z Cognitor.

The Ratpack said...

Im a new follower to your blog, and I love it! I'm a nursing student, and even went through the exact thing you are with your thyroid. I've had several issues, and about three times the doctor told me they were going to biopsy, and upon re-scanning on ultrasound decided against it. whew! I did used to work as a tech in fine needle aspiration, so it always felt weird that my co-workers would do a biopsy on me! :)

Sorry about all your other drama, and I'm glad everything worked out with your thyroid!