I just graduated nursing school.
I just did something that hundreds, if not thousands of people across the country dream of.
And yet, I am not happy.
I should be happy. I should be over-the-goddamn-moon happy. I should be first-kiss, dancing-in-the-rain, cuddling-with-a-puppy, chocolate-chip-pancakes-on-a-Saturday-morning happy about this.
But instead, I don't feel anything.
Actually, no. That's a lie.
When I am not feeling completely and totally empty about the whole experience, all I can think about is how meaningless it all seems without my dad being here.
I am not okay, my lovely readers.
I have never been okay.
I'm a liar. And a hypocrite.
And I am really fucking depressed.
I know that I am loved. And that I would be missed if *something* were to happen to me. I know that I have people who care about me. It is strange how I spend most of my psych nursing rotation talking to depressed and suicidal patients about how beautiful life can be.
I am such a fucking fraud.
I am just not sure how much longer I can stand this. It hurts. Like physically hurts. I don't want to see anyone and I am avoiding phone calls. Two of my closest friends got married yesterday and I skipped the wedding because I hated the thought of the dark cloud following me to the ceremony. All I want to do is shut the world out right now. I know that one day this pain will make sense. I know that it will be useful to me somehow, just as it has been in the past. But I just hate it so much.
The very first sentence in my psych nursing textbook in the chapter on depression reads: "No amount of information can adequately convey the personal pain and suffering experienced by the individual with depression."
So there is no way to accurately explain it. You can't understand unless you have lived it.
It's like being dropped into the middle of a maze and someone shutting off the lights. All you can do is run your hands along the walls to try to find your way out.
It's like you are drowning but you are only a few inches below the water's surface.
It's like there is a tiny drop of poison in a bubble in your heart. You could be content, happy even. But that little bubble is still there and all it takes is for a hiccup to cause it to burst and the poison starts pumping through your veins. It spreads through your heart, and to your lungs, and to your brain. It's like a cancer. And it is a fight you won't win. Because day after day, the poison keeps spreading until eventually you don't have blood in your veins anymore. All you have is the poison. And it is just so exhausting trying to fight it. And you know that one day, your heart will say enough is enough and decide to stop beating as to no longer pump the poison.