I know I said I'd post more but school and work have been kicking my ass. I think I say that every time I post so you'd think I would eventually run out of ass to kick but my jeans still fit fine so I must have enough to spare.
but I realize that I am back in the trenches of nursing school with my lovely readers and knowing y'all are all going through the same hell as me makes it a little easier.
Chemistry and "Transition into Professional Nursing" with my study buddy hiding in the shadows. He's a bit camera shy.
On the work front, it's been...challenging. I understood when I started on this medsurg unit that the acuity is incredibly high and I would lose patients. I've been told by other nurses that the patients I take care of on my unit would be in the ICU at any other hospital in the state.
But when you lose a patient, especially several in a row (two codes in one night AREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGME)...it makes you question things. What could I have done differently? How could they have declined so fast? Did I miss something?
It makes you question your competency as a nurse and there is nothing more frustrating than that. Other than tutoring, nursing is all I have ever done. To have self doubts about my ability to handle it isn't just a work related issue, it is a crisis of identity.
Nursing isn't just something I do. It is who I am. Yes, I've said before that it's a job and you have to leave it at the door but what happens when your job starts showing up in your dreams? When you hear low O2 sat alarms or code teams in your sleep? My family...my boyfriend...anytime they introduce me to someone new, within the first 10 minutes, they always mention I am a nurse. It is something to be proud of.
So...I have made a decision. I'm going to let this doubt be a driving force. This creeping feeling of not being good enough will be the reason I am the best at what I do. When I go to work, it won't just be for a paycheck. Every shift is a learning experience. And maybe that is what I have forgotten.
Until next time, Lovelies.