Saturday, December 06, 2014

Blog Challenge: Day 2 - Nine Loves


Nine things I love. Okay...here we go....I can do this...

1. Michael. This is an obvious choice. I mean, he basically saved my life and he doesn't even know it. In addition to being pretty much the kindest, smartest, strongest, most loving person I have ever met, he has made me believe that maybe I am worthy of being loved and cherished. I mean, if this man [this amazing man] can love me so deeply...maybe there is something special about me.

2. My family. This is an obvious choice. I'm not very close to them anymore because of some of the things that have happened this past year...but I will never not love them.

3. Michael's FurBabies. My boyfriend fiance...has cats. Yes. Cats. I never cared for cats. I mean, they are kind of shifty and untrustworthy and I'm pretty sure if someone broke into our apartment, they'd show them where anything valuable is. I guess you could say I'm more of a dog person. But these furry little bastards have grown on me pretty quickly. 
[Neither of them look particularly enthusiastic to be anywhere near me but I swear they do like me.]

4. Archery. Yeah. Before Brave and Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games, I had a bow in my hands. I freaking love it. There is something so satisfying about hearing that sound when the bow releases the arrow and it goes flying. Hitting the target is just bonus points. ;)

5. Trashy "new" country music. Go ahead. Judge me. I don't even care. I will dance to Luke Bryan and Josh Thompson all freaking day and I'll be happy about it. 

6. Indian food. Y'all....y'all....Y'all just don't even understand. I could live on lamb or chicken curry and samosas for the rest of my life. Throw in a really good mango lassi and I am set. 

7. My job. Yeah. I bitch about it. I get frustrated with the paperwork and charting and annual mandatory education and management and all the bullshit that goes along with being a nurse. But at the end of the day [or in the morning, since I work nightshift], I don't have the kind of job where I wonder if I will ever make a difference in someone's life. I do that every night. 

8. Not being at my job. Don't get me wrong...I love it. But a girl needs her down time. Like this morning, I almost cried with joy when I saw the dayshift nurses dragging in with their coffees and insulated lunch bags filled with baby carrots at 7am. All I wanted was to go home, take a long hot shower with some pepperminty soap [Dr Bronners...get it] and make some tea. Which is what I am doing now. 

9. Blogging. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I've said it before. But i meant it. Blogging....writing...poetry. They are my release. I need this to get all the pent up emotions and my mental fuckery out of my head. I'm just so glad there are other poeple out there that want to be a part of this journey with me. ♥

Until next time, my loves.
xoxox
Estelle

Friday, December 05, 2014

Blog Challenge: Day 1 - Ten Secrets

So I was asking myself the other day, "What can I do to jumpstart my blogging motivation now that I actually have a little time to do it?" 
Aside from a few other posts I'm working on [which I just can not post yet because they aren't perfect] Then I thought, BLOG CHALLENGE! I found this cute little one on Tumblr the other day and thought it would be perfect. 
Here we go:


If you can't read the light writing, it's called the 10 Day You Challenge. "Ten secrets. Nine loves. Eight fears. Seven wants. Six places. Five foods. Four books. Three films. Two songs. One picture of yourself."

Let's start off with the 10 secrets:

  1. There is no grey area with me. I don't do anything halfway. I either want to sleep for days or have insomnia for weeks at a time. I binge eat or I starve myself [totally unintentionally]. I love/hate passionately or you don't exist to me. I don't know if it is from my bipolar disorder or if it is just part of my personality. 
  2. I have a hard time separating my mental illness from who I am. But it makes me livid when other people can't do the same. For example, when I am having a bad day...I stay in bed...I fantasize about blood in the bathtub or car crashes or just slowly drifting away in my sleep. I don't call anyone or tell my therapist or psychiatrist because the first words out of their mouth would be "Have you been taking your medication?" Or if I'm having a good day, I am bright and sunny and I want to write ALL THE BLOGPOSTS or buy ALL THE GOAT CHEESE at the farmers market. I am bursting with energy. And it's the same thing. "You seem kind of manic. Have you been taking your meds?" And I know it doesn't make sense to be angry with others for not understanding something that I don't understand myself. I have to ask myself "This happiness...this energy....is this me? Or is this one of my demons too?"
  3. I am literally the worst patient ever. I mean, seriously. I know most medical professionals suck at taking care of themselves but I think I win.
  4. For a week and a half, about two months ago, all I ate was cookie butter and Monster ultra energy drinks and lost 7 pounds. This still baffles me. 
  5. I think I have the most boring secrets in the blogosphere. 
  6. Even after being an RN for over 3 years, I still question if I am strong enough to handle it. Especially now that I am working medsurg and my patients are actually sick and dying. At the nursing home, it wasn't that the patients weren't sick. They were. And when they died, it was still sad. But it was a different kind of sadness. It was the kind of sadness from the family that comes when you lose someone you love. But most of the patients were ready. They had made peace or they had been trapped in a broken body for so many years, death set them free. They had lived. The nurses and CNAs and family were sad for themselves because we'd never see them again. In psych, very few of my patients were physically sick. The only way they would die in the hospital is if they killed themselves. But in medsurg, these patients fight. They WANT to live. That's what gets me. I hate seeing a fighter lose. 
  7. Speaking of questioning my abilities to continue being a nurse; when I was in my final semester of nursing school, I seriously considered moving to New Orleans and becoming a professional dominatrix. Like I was looking up apartments and spaces for a studio/dungeon. I still think about it sometimes. Plus I look awesome in black leather. 
  8. I think that the people I have loved in my life, regardless of how I feel about them now, still hold a tiny piece of my heart. It pisses me off. 
  9. I've lived on my own [or with my fiance] for seven months now and I still miss home even though home doesn't really exist anymore. 
  10. I have missed blogging terribly.
Okay, my loves. It's your turn. Do this blog challenge with me. 
[For real..do it. I don't want to have to call any of you out. But I will.]

xoxox,
Estelle