Sunday, January 11, 2015

What It's Like.

This blog isn't really about nursing. It's about life. The life of a young woman who happens to be a nurse.
And life can be fucking messy.

I scheduled my first therapy appointment in 6 months. It's three days from now and to tell you the truth, I am fucking terrified.
I don't know why. Maybe it's all the introspective bullshit and existential crap that it brings up and how I usually get home and don't get out of bed for two days after.

I'm not a 45 minute couch junkie.
Some days, all that holds me together is medical tape and the hope that maybe tomorrow I won't hate myself as much as I do in this moment.
I wish I had the words to describe this feeling. This churning tightness in my chest. This spine tingling, hand numbing, head spinning anxiety that stalks me like my own shadow. This grey wave of depression that washes over me and sweeps away every bit of happiness in my soul.

Anxiety is fear of the future and the unforeseen.
Depression is sadness for the past.
And having both at the same time? Having both is having a private room in hell with your name on the door.

Like I said, life is fucking messy.

3 comments:

Amber Espinola said...

Holy Cow, I feel like Im reading about myself. I have only been reading your blog for 10 min. and I want to be your BFF.hahaha Thank you for keeping it real.

Enid Mueller said...

Hang in there. Grab those feelings and ride that energy into your writing.

Rosalind Bigg said...

I stumbled upon this and wanted to express that I hope, at least in this moment, you're feeling better.